Men Made Passes at this Gal Who Wore Glasses

“The first things I do in the morning is brush my teeth, and sharpen my tongue.”

This was just one of the quips for which the inimitable Dorothy Parker was known. Grand Dame of the Algonquin Round Table in New York City, her life was one of highs and lows, success and bitter disappointments.

Born Dorothy Rothschild, upon her mother’s death and her father’s remarriage, she found herself an unwelcome stepchild. In what would become her means of surviving the slings and arrows, she honed her pithy wit from an early age and upon arriving in Manhattan immediately began making friends – and enemies.

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

Her career encompassed plays, poetry and short fiction in addition to her critic’s career for Vanity Fair and The New Yorker’s Constant Reader column, in which she mercilessly skewered books with such short and to the point reviews as the one she bestowed upon A. A. Milne’s The House at Pooh Corner wherein she claimed “Tonstant Weader fwowed up”.

Whether in writing or extemporaneously, her words could slice like a linguistic razor, and did so on numerous occasions, but in personal situations as well as professional. Though many of my favorites may well be apocryphal, such as her response to a Manhattan society doyenne who ushered Parker through the door of a restaurant with the instruction, “Age before beauty”, to which Parker replied as she exited, “Pearls before swine”. Once, upon being chastised by her boss, Franklin Pierce Adams for not having turned in her assignment, her retort to his aide was:

“Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy. Or vice versa.”

While her professional life had its ups and downs, her love life was, in a word, disastrous. Her choice of beaux included her first husband, Edwin Pond Parker who, upon returning from wartime service during the Great War, became an alcoholic. After their divorce her next marriage to Alan Campbell was doomed from the beginning as she was the beard for the homosexual actor though they remained married for a number of years before his death. Throughout her adult life her staunch friendship with Robert Benchley – which caused difficulties in his own marriage – led to perennial speculation that she was, in fact, in love with him.

According to her biographies, the most painful of her star-crossed love affairs was her short-lived one with playwright Charles MacArthur, who ultimately chose the actress Helen Hayes over Dot, despite having gotten Parker pregnant. That pregnancy led her to an abortion, after which she slipped into depression, her blistering comment clearly announcing her bitterness:

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

Parker attempted suicide on several occasions, though the one led to her most effecting short story, “Big Blonde”, in which the description of the woman following an attempted overdose was said to have been based on the description of herself when discovered after her own attempt. It won an O. Henry award in 1929

Depression, drinking, moments of glittering fame and popularity followed by years of decline took Dorothy Parker from Manhattan to Hollywood and back. She wrote for film and stage, and her poems and short stories, like “But The One On Her Right”, and the short, bitter poem “Resume”:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

In the end Parker did live. In the end it was a quiet life for the sparkling wit, almost haphazard in its barren ugliness. She lived in Manhattan in NYC at the Volney hotel, with various pets including her parakeet Onan, so named because he “spilled his seed upon the ground”. She never stopped working at writing until the end came on June 7, 1967, when she died of a heart attack at the age of 73.

For the woman who suggested that her tombstone might read “Excuse my dust”, Parker would no doubt have appreciated the black humor of one of the resting places for her ashes: The filing cabinet of her lawyer Paul O’Dwyer.

“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.”

Ultimately Parker was rescued by the NAACP, who had been the recipient of her estate, originally intended to be bequeathed to Dr. Martin Luther King. Her lifelong left-leaning politics, and her support of human rights and civil liberty causes saw her honored by the NAACP who ultimately claimed her ashes and created a garden in her honor outside their Baltimore headquarters where the plaque reads:

“Here lie the ashes of Dorothy Parker (1893–1967) humorist, writer, critic. Defender of human and civil rights. For her epitaph she suggested, 'Excuse my dust'. This memorial garden is dedicated to her noble spirit which celebrated the oneness of humankind and to the bonds of everlasting friendship between black and Jewish people.”

Life did not do as well as it might have by Dorothy Parker. But she did right by life.

Lights! Camera! Scandal!

There's no place like Hollywood for gossip and scandal. To folks watching Entertainment Tonight and reading People, it may seem that we are in a heyday of scandalous ladies who garner all the headlines with their escapades.

But the golden age of Hollywood and before resulted in myriad tawdry episodes that would give Paris Hilton or Britney Spears a serious run for their collective money.

The silent era, pre-Hays office censorship, even had these ladies acting up on-screen.

Theda Bara, the original Vamp, wore see-through clothes and oozed carnal sexuality. Shocking - but oh, so titillating! Despite her humble (and far less tantalizing) beginning as Theodosia Goodman, born in Cincinnati, OH, she reigned on the silent, silver screen as the man-eater and sexual predator of her time. She enhanced her publicity-created image by affecting a mysterious, foreign-sounding accent and wearing veils and odd clothes that heightened her "otherness". In the end, she gave name to the sort of erotic, Gothic woman who was forever named, "vamp".

Another siren of the silent era was Clara Bow - the "It Girl", a title gleaned from her performance in her second major hit, "It", which followed "Mantrap" in 1926 - the film that put her on the map after several other films, and which garnered such comments as "Clara Bow! And how!". Despite an ethereal beauty, once transformed into her screen persona, she oozed sex appeal and embodied the flapper ideal. Like so many Hollywood legends, however, her origins as a child of a schizophrenic mother and sexually abusive father, in a Brooklyn tenement took their toll on her. At the age of 26, in 1933, her career was over after suffering the condemnation of Hollywood for her personal life which was falsely deemed immoral. Budd Schulberg said of her, "Clara Bow, no matter how great her popularity, was a low-life and a disgrace to the community.". Disgraced by what Hollywood had made of her, she faded from the scene, along with her films.


Beautiful, blonde, Thelma Todd, despite her appearance in over 40 films in a career that spanned nearly 10 years, including the Marx Brothers comedies, Monkey Business and Horse Feathers, is unfortunately known best for her death. The "Ice-cream Blonde" was found dead on the morning of December 16, 1935, in her car in the gargage, the cause ruled asphyxiation by carbon monoxide poisoning. Even though the police's ruling was suicide, numerous other theories surfaced. Despite her active social life, she was unlucky in love, and a fight with her ex-husband, Pat DeCicco at a party the night before cast him in a suspicious light. Further, that actions taken by her possessive on-again/off-again lover, Roland West, may have contributed to her death were postulated as well. Even more ominous was the idea that her death may have been the result of her refusal to allow gambling at a club she owned, thus pitting her against the notorious Lucky Luciano. Aided and abetted by a grand jury investigation into her death that was unable to gather sufficient evidence of a crime, Todd's death became first example of a "conspiracy theory" - and her mysterious death guaranteed Todd posthumous notoriety for decades to come.

And one of Hollywood's most enduring infamous ladies is the legendary Lana Turner. As if her performances in such steamy classics as "The Postman Always Rings Twice" opposite the hunky Alpha-male, John Garfield, were not enough, her place in the annals of Hollywood history was assured by the truth-is-stranger-than fiction drama of her real life.


Born Julia Jean Mildred Frances Turner (a name that certainly makes the Hollywood appelation she became famous with understandable) in Wallace, Idaho, she became the stuff of Hollywood lore when she was (it was claimed) discovered at Schwab's soda fountain. In fact, W. R. Wilkerson, the publisher of The Hollywood Reporter made the fateful discovery of the Hollywood sex symbol at The Top Hat Cafe, across from Hollywood High. "The Sweater Girl", one of the most famous of pinups, already had violence in her past. Her father, a miner and gambler, was robbed and murdered on his way home from a card game.

Along with fame came 7 marriages, including a tempestuous one with band leader Artie Shaw, as well as numerous romances, her lovers including Tyrone Power who, Turner claimed in her autobiography, was the love of her life. And it was an affair of the heart that led to the ultimate scandal that would forever haunt Turner.

Lana Turner inherited an Rh blood disorder from her Mother (no doubt an Rh negative blood type, which often leads to death in the second and third child after the mother's body creates antibodies against Rh positive blood). Her single child, daughter Cheryl, was saved only with a complete blood transfusion at birth. And Cheryl's ddramatic entrance into the world may have been the harbinger of tougher times to come for the mother and daughter.

Johnny Stompanato, Turner's tempestous lover, and a gangster with numerous ties to the underworld, was stabbed to death by 14 year old Cheryl in 1958, ostensibly defending her mother from the brutal man's physical abuse. That Stompanato was abusive was well-documented, as he had taken a beating from a young Sean Connery when Stompanato decided Turner and Connery were having an affair on the set of their film, Another Time, Another Place. In the end, the courts agreed, and Cheryl's claim of defending her mother was accepted - the verdict: justifiable homicide.

Despite a career with critically acclaimed performances, including the classic three-hanky tear-jerker, Imitation of Life, which followed Stompanato's death, Lana's career soon trailed off and her last years saw such infrequent appearances as on 1983's Falcon Crest. The Academy Award nominated actress, WWII pin-up queen and namesake of the B-17 bomber, Tempest Turner, daughter of a murder victim, mother of a daughter who killed to protect her, and screen siren extraordinaire in such films as Madam X, The Bad and the Beautiful and Peyton Place, died of throat cancer in 1995.

The curse of the 13-letter Hollywoodland sign, from which starlet Peg Entwhistle jumped to her death, clearly remains a ghostly memory despite the removal of the "land" letters to ease the superstitious minds.

Equal Opportunity on the High Seas: Ann Bonney

When you think of the pirates of yore, images of grizzled, scarred men with cutlasses in their teeth, parrots on their shoulders and echoes of "yo ho ho" are what probably comes to mind. Edward Teach - Blackbeard - captain of Queen Anne's revenge and alleged to have gone into battle with lit wicks in his beard is the preeminant name that comes to mind. Jean Lafitte has a more romantic image that the grotesque Teach, but they were just two of dozens of pirates that were either good guys, or bad guys, depending on who benefitted from their acts.

But among the hoary and hairy captains and crews were a few of the gentler sex. Foremost among them, and equally as worthy of the buccaneer crown and as man, was the redoubtable Anne Bonney.

Anne was born out-of-wedlock in County Cork, Ireland, probably in 1697, to a wealthy father, attorney William Cormac, and a serving maid, Marry Brennan. To avoid the ensuing scandal, Cormac subsequently took his family to Charleston, South Carolina where he resumed his law career and later owned a plantation. However, Anne proved to be a lightening-rod for scandal herself, possessed of "a fierce and courageous temper". After her mother's death, and following incidents in which she was reported to have stabbed a serving girl, and "soundly thrashed" a would-be rapist, Anne brought her childhood to a resounding close at aged 16 by running off and eloping with James Bonney.

Himself a pirate, Bonney took Anne with him to a pirates hide-out in New Providence, Bahamas, but in 1718 when the Governor of the Island offered a pardon to any pirate, Bonney ratted out his former compatriots. Anne, disgusted with his cowardice and lack of loyalty, left her husband and turned instead to another pirate, Calico Jack Rakham (his love of spending money included the colorful clothing that lent him his nickname).

From a contemporary perspective if is difficult to note whether it was a wild love affair, or merely a matter of expediency for a young girl with no nake protector. Certainly Anne had proved herself capable of defending herself, but society was still nearly impossible to navigate for a young woman alone. Jack Rackham did offer to buy Anne from Bonney, but when he refused, they merely ran away together. Anne's career as a pirate began when the two, along with some of Rakham's fellow crew members boarded and took over his ship from its captain. The two sailed together on Rackham's sloop, the Vanity, and the later ship, The Revenge, flying the skull and crossbones. Anne dressed as a man, acknowledged as "the Captain's woman", raiding ships in the area of Cuba and Hispanola, primarily those carrying Spanish treasure. Of that time not much is known, but it is believed that Anne was put ashore in Cuba at one point apparently to have a child, which she left with friends before returning to sail with Rackham (though some stories indicate the child may have died in childbirth).

Following an attack on a Dutch ship, another woman, Mary Read, who had dressed as a man and gone to sea following the death of her husband, was taken on board. The two women became friends. Read, it seems, had a similar temperment to Anne,killing an adversary when her new lover on board was challenged to a duel.

With reputations "fierce as hellcats", the two women apparently fought side by side, and enjoyed their respective lovers, and life aboard the high seas.

But in 1720, when the Revenge lay at anchor, the women proved themselves to be the truest pirates of all. When a British sloop commanded by a Captain Barnett attached, the two attempted to rouse the drunken crew - who had fled belowdecks - to fight back. The women went so far as to kill one and wound several of their own crewmates by way of motivation, but the battle was lost and all were taken prisoner by the British and were removed to Jamaica to stand trial.

As was frequently a way out for a woman on trial, both Anne and Mary "pleaded their bellies", and, as pregnant women, they evaded the noose that was the fate of their comrades on November 16, 1720.

Legend says that Anne was permitted to visit her lover before the sentence was carried out, where it is claimed her last words to him were:

"Had you fought like a man, you'd not have been hang'd like a dog.".

Mary Read's fate is one of uncertainty. Records show she died of a fever in jail awaiting the birth of her child, but it has been surmised that she faked her death and was smuggled out in the shroud. Given her nature, it seems not unlikely that she would have fought her fate.

Anne Bonney, too, disappeared into history. Various postulations have been made, one suggesting she was saved by her wealthy father, who, despite having disowned her upon her elopement with Bonney, appeared and bought her freedom. Some believe she and Mary actually returned to American to live together and raise their children (and some sources of sailors with whom they traveled apparently believed the two women were involved in a lesbian relationship). A serious source, The Oxford Dictionary of National Biography, however, says that Anne was married again to a Joseph Burleigh (thanks to her father and a hefty dowry, necessary one would imagine to convince any potential spouse to overlook her colorful past), and bore him eight children. And there is another wistful tale that says she made her way back to England where she owned and ran a tavern, regaling her customers with tales of her past adventures.

What is more astounding than any of the details of the wild and murderous life she led, was the fact that, as far as can be surmised, Anne Bonney was probably between 17 and 20 years old during her adventures with Jack Rackham.

Given that headstrong nature and her bloodthirsty career, it seems Anne would not merely have faded away. It would certainly be interesting to know what became of the young woman who fought and killed, and apparently loved, with abandon.